Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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