FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh god it's open bar.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
