Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
