soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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