idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
