Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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