Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
