you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
