he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
