There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
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