I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
