By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
