last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
we're so committed to being not committed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize