Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
