The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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