I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
