Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
