Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
