I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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