Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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