put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
