Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
