You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
