It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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