I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
