the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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