How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
40s are totally the cure
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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