I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
