we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
