just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
