i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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