Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
