I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize