If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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