Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
