I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
