Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
