I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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