Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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