you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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