you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
