I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
