Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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