what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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