She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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