apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I could fuck to npr.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
