I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
