is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
