he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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