Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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