I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
