I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize