Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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