I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
