if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
