there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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