I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
