Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
