awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
