my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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