i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
