Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
