I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize