I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
