hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
