There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
