I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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