its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
